“you are not good enough.”
These words have gone through my mind what feels like a million times. I went through a point in my life where I picked apart myself daily. I was insecure of how I related to others, how people saw me. I questioned my purpose and my place in life. I was convinced that I didn’t belong in any community, and it led to deep self doubt and even depression. Daily I questioned, “God, why did you make me this way?”
Oof. Sorry for a heavy beginning, but these are real thoughts, and I knew I couldn’t be the only one.
I felt like no one could understand me, and this brought about the worst loneliness I had ever experienced. I didn’t even believe that Jesus knew what I was going through, much less that he had a plan for my life. I constantly believed the lie that my weaknesses were too much for him to handle, that my personality was too much and not enough at the same time, and I just had to accept it:
I was unlovable.
But then, I found something.
“You saw who you created me to be before I became me! Before I’d ever seen the light of day, the number of days you planned for me were already recorded in your book. (Psalm 139: 16, TPT)
Then it clicked: he knew.
And he still chose it all.
He saw all my mistakes, he saw the times I would turn my back on him. He saw the good, the bad, and the ugly.
And he wanted it all.
My Father knows me! He sees me! And he loves me, through it all. So I kept reading, and went to the beginning of the chapter.
“Lord, you know everything there is to know about me.
You perceive every movement of my heart and soul,
and you understand my every thought before it even enters my mind.
You are so intimately aware of me, Lord.
You read my heart like an open book
and you know all the words I’m about to speak
before i even start a sentence!
You know every step I will take before my journey even begins.
You’ve gone into my future to prepare the way,
and in kindness you follow behind me
to spare me from the harm of my past.
With your hand of love upon my life,
you impart a blessing to me.
This is just too wonderful, deep, and incomprehensible!
Your understanding of me brings me wonder and strength.” (1-6)
God cares enough about us to know us, even though he knows everything.
Think about it! He is literally the creator of the universe, and yet he spends time examining each and every one of our hearts. There’s a verse in the old testament that talks about God’s people, the Israelites (I mean there are a lot, but I’m talking about a specific one). They were the first example of what it looked like to follow God and also what it looked like to be loved by God. I love this passage about Jacob, who God chose to lead the Israelites.
“He found him out in the wilderness, in an empty, windswept wasteland. He threw his arms around him, lavished attention on him, guarding him as the apple of his eye.” (Deuteronomy 32:10, MSG)
Even though the passage is referring to God’s relationship with Jacob, it also applies to us today. I love the way this was described. I did a little bit of research into what the phrase “apple of his eye” means, and what I found changed my perspective a lot:
To put it short, some have referred to the pupil of the eye as the apple, so the phrase is saying that when you look at someone, their reflection appears in the “apple.” To say that someone is the apple of your eye would be saying that you look at them so much that they are almost permanently in your reflection. Which means…
If God’s people–if I–am the apple of his eye, he looks at me often, or in fact, he is ALWAYS looking at me.
He is constantly observing me.
He delights in me.
Take a moment to let that set in! He does not take his eyes off of you. He understands you. He “gets” you, even when others may struggle to. He knows you more than you may even know yourself.
Wow. Okay, let’s continue.
God did not make any mistakes when he made us.
He spent time on each and every one of us. When i think about my friends, my peers, and anyone else on social media or in life, I notice that there are no two people exactly the same.
That is not a bad thing!
Being different is not a bad thing. This is something that took so much time for me to accept. It is such a beautiful thing to be different than those next to us.
“You formed every bone in my body when you created me in the secret place.” (Psalm 139:15)
If God was so careful with me in the secret place, when no one was there to observe, how much more intentional then is he with me while I am living?
He did not spend so much energy and time on me to leave me out to fend for myself. It is a lie from the enemy to think that I have no place or purpose in this life. Or that God somehow slipped up and made me wrong. I tend to get so caught up in myself, in my weaknesses, but I have to remember this:
God does not make mistakes.
I know it can sound so redundant, but seriously. He made you & me, flaws and all, for a specific purpose.
There is so much beauty and life that comes out when that is finally grasped.
God thinks so highly of us.
“Every single moment you are thinking of me! How precious to consider how you cherish me in every thought! O God, your desires toward me are more than the grains of sand on every shore.” (17-18)
And then it came full circle. Not only does God see me, know me, and understand me, but he loves me more than anything. He treasures me, cherishes me, and delights in who I am. He is interested in me.
When he looks at me, he is in awe of his own creation.
He’s proud.
Which means believing negative lies about myself is ultimately telling God that he messed up with me and is wrong in how he feels about me. And that is exactly what the enemy wants to happen:
He will do anything to get us to believe that God is not as good as he says he is.
That’s what I realized was happening in my own life. I was not my biggest rival– the hateful voice I constantly listened to was not myself, it was Satan. And darkness is real, let me tell you.
“A thief has only one thing in mind—he wants to steal, slaughter, and destroy. but I have come to give you everything in abundance, more than you expect—life in its fullness until you overflow! (John 10:10, TPT)
Life in fullness is a promise that God keeps. Negative self image is a strategy straight from hell that will try to take that fullness away.
But God never, ever stops opening his arms to us, chasing us, and waiting for us.
Not when we feel like we are too far from him.
Not when we feel like what we have done can’t be redeemed.
Not when we feel purposeless and unqualified.
Not when we don’t know how to find our way back home.
Instead, he says this:
“I am who I say I am. goodness is coming, because I am Good—that is simply who I am. peace is coming, because I am Peace—that is simply who I am. newness is coming because I make all things new—that is simply what I do. I am living water and daily bread. I have never left your side, I have never stopped being here. since the beginning and until the end. you are worth every second of this fight. every tear, every step, backward and forward. I am creating, forming new in and out of you. release the past so I can begin to prepare you for what is coming. look! you have made so much progress. you have ran through obstacles you never thought you would get past. keep going, keep your eyes open. I am going to come through for you.”
I hope you enjoyed reading, and if you got something from this I’d love to know! Just sharing straight from my heart. My instagram DM’s are open, you can comment, or leave a message anonymously in the space on my Contact Me page.
Alex
