Before you continue reading this, here’s a disclaimer: I don’t actually know how to not be lost. Over the years I’ve realized that it’s actually a beautiful thing to be lost and to continue finding yourself over and over and over and over and to genuinely grasp that concept of grace. Here I talk about gratitude and how God used that to pull me out of a really dark point in my life.
A few months ago, I was in the middle of a worship set and felt this phrase pass through my heart over and over:
“Alex, you haven’t been living in gratitude.”
This simple phrase really through me for a loop. I began to think of the negative patterns of my mind and the ways I had been reacting to my circumstances. This set me on a course of self-discovery, redemption, and new found grace. One of my first steps was learning more about the meaning of communion, or the Eucharist.
The Eucharist originated on the night before Jesus would be crucified. Ages later, believers all over the world participate in taking bread and wine as a way of communing with Christ. The word Eucharist derives from the word eucharisteo, a greek word which, picked apart, is thankfulness, grace, and joy. In the Bible, Jesus broke bread and gave thanks on that night. This concept really baffles me: the fact that Jesus would choose give thanks during his darkest moment.
Thankfulness, Grace, and Joy. Hmmm.
Do you ever feel lost? Stuck? Hidden? Maybe that’s just me.
You are not lost. You are not stuck. God is literally right by your side, waiting for you to realize that you have been whole–and found, all along.
Brokenness is a funny thing. Can I just pause and say this: you are not lost. You are not stuck. God is literally right by your side, waiting for you to realize that you have been whole–and found, all along. Read Acts 9:18-20:
“All at once, the crusty substance that was over Saul’s eyes disappeared and he could see perfectly. Immediately, he got up and was baptized. After eating a meal, his strength returned.
Within the hour he was in the synagogues, preaching about Jesus and proclaiming, “Jesus is the Son of God!
Let me note that this man is still Saul at this point. If you’re not familiar with his life story, he was a really bad person before God turned his life around and gave him a new name (Paul). God met him when he was in his darkest place, called him out, and sent him forward. Within the hour, he was walking in his calling.
For some reason, this has been the hardest thing for me to grasp in my spiritual walk– the fact that I am actually a daughter of Christ. John 1:12 says,
“But those who embraced him and took hold of his name were given authority to become the children of God!”
There is no going around that. Just to be clear, John 8:36 says,
“So if the Son sets you free from sin, then become a true son and be unquestionably free!”
What a story of grace. Saul was completely disconnected from God, in fact, he hated Jesus and his followers, but,
Within the hour. He realized his sonship and began walking in freedom. Fullness. Joy. Authority. There’s this line I feel we as believers dance around–the line between God’s abilities and our own. The uncertainty of whether joy really does come from the Lord.
What about my circumstances?
What about the things I’ve done?
This verse in Psalms 139 always blows my mind:
“You saw who you created me to be before I became me! Before I’d ever seen the light of day, the number of days you planned for me were already recorded in your book.”
So… he saw each little thing we would go through, who we would become, the promises we would make and break, our bad decisions, our failures. And he made the conscious decision to create us. God did not make a mistake in this. He tends not to do that. He knew exactly what he was doing. We’re broken in all the right places.
God did not make a mistake by creating me. He knew exactly what he was doing. I am broken in all the right places.
Fullness has been something I’ve always felt like I had to work hard to find. I tell my self I’ll find it in adventures, in rest, in relationships, or accomplishments. But only in the secret place, the thankful place, is it found. Waiting for joy to happen will always end in disappointment. What if we had the courage, like Saul, to act immediately in freedom, not waiting for certain things to happen before we can fully trust God?
Let me bring this back to that word: eucharisteo.
Grace. Give it to yourself.
Thanks. Give it to God.
Joy. Walk freely in what has been given back to you.
Gratitude is the act of fully receiving the gifts God freely lets us have. Gratitude is the sword we can use to fight against hopelessness.
And man, there was a time when I felt so hopeless, and let me confirm that it is NOT easy to find things to be grateful for in those moments. But naming good things, as elementary as it may sound, is powerful. Depression, anxiety–mental illness in general–is a serious, real thing. And I would never sit back and talk about how “easy” it is to get better or “become happy again,” if I hadn’t been right there with you in disbelief once before. But I can say with full confidence that Jesus, my healer, is actually, legitimately, bigger than it.
And maybe life looks the way it does for you because of actual, painful, unchangeable circumstances. But what if the lenses you’re looking from are just… clouded? What if by naming the good things you see, by taking small steps, you are cleansing?
All I know is the last thing I want to do is limit my capacity by not trusting that God has something bigger.
That’s all I got, but thank you if you made it this far! I’d love to chat about any of this or something else, and the best way to contact me would be through Instagram DM’s! There’s also an option to send a comment anonymously through my Contact page.
Alex
