a commentary on failure

let’s talk about it.

I spent my whole life being scared to fail, and then I actually failed, really really badly.

I sometimes wonder if it was because of this fear that I let it happen, so that it was no longer an unknown I had to fear. I crippled myself and didn’t have the energy to fix anything.

Mental health day just passed, and I’ve seen so many people begin to speak their truths about what they have struggled with in the dark, and how they felt that they couldn’t share before, for various reasons. A professor told me once that she had never realized how much pressure and fear college students constantly feel until she began teaching.

Many students are so resilient and able to combat the pressure, but some allow it to get the best of them, me being in the latter group. I never thought it would be me.

Academic intelligence is a coveted trait, but emotional intelligence is mandatory. The lack of ability to deal with negative moods, painful emotions– simply put, the lack of self awareness– impacts everything. This article speaks to the scientific implications for this relating to procrastination, and I’ve always found the idea so interesting.

the truth.

In my case, I allowed negative emotional circumstances to tear me apart, and over time, I began to associate those negative feelings with school, leading to a lot of failure. For someone who grew up perfectionistic and performance driven, this has been one of the hardest things to deal with. Being this vulnerable is also extremely hard, but I have truth to share.

For about two years, I had this fleeting feeling that I was in sinking sand and didn’t know how to get out. My close friend added to this picture, saying that it was as if my eyes were closed, but if I would just open them I would see that there was someone right there holding their hand out. But the thing was, I didn’t know how to open my eyes.

Or maybe it was just fear.

If that person was Jesus, what if I opened them and he wasn’t there anymore? What if it had been too long and he’d had enough? The truth was that I knew he would have done it years ago, but still? Now? After all this time? After I had continued to put myself back in this place time and time again?

Let me just get to the point and say YES. If you relate to that version of me, YES. The answer is YES, he will.

After all this time.

And it’s not that he’ll reach out for you again, it’s that he never took the hand away.

Even if you intentionally put yourself in a bad place and now regret it.

Even if you feel like you turned your back on God.

Even if you think you’ve hurt God.

His love is too strong to ever take his hand away. This was hard for me to grasp too, so I gathered up the facts:

If you don’t want a Bible Study you can ex out but seriously, this stuff is good. (Also I’m using TPT plus a few other versions so sorry if that’s theologically taboo or something I’m just here for Jesus.)

be made still.

Matthew 14:29-32 “He said, ‘Come.’ So Peter got out of the boat and walked on the water and came to Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid, and beginning to sink he cried out, ‘Lord, save me.’ Jesus immediately reached out his hand and took hold of him, saying to him, ‘O you of little faith, why did you doubt’? And when they got into the boat, the wind ceased.”

I wanted to start here because I think it parallels perfectly with the fear of failure. Peter knew Jesus called him, but then he saw the wind and gave into it. I love that Jesus does reprimand Peter but not until after immediately reaching out for him and steadying him.

Jesus’ comment to Peter comes from the heart of, “I will always be here for you no matter what, and never be afraid to ask, but you can’t be thinking a little wind is bigger than me.” He would never, ever, insinuate that “you’re on your own because a true follower of mine would be stronger than that.”

We have to remember he’s a loving father before anything. He desires for us to grow in faith but will never punish us for not having enough sometimes. The fact that Peter had the tiniest amount of faith to ask for help (even when Peter couldn’t accomplish what Jesus asked) was enough for Jesus.

It’s funny that the previous passage was about storms and waves because I think a lot of what God wanted to teach me was about steadiness. No matter the messiness of my emotions, he makes me still. And also just the fact that I can come to him with irrational feelings and he takes them.

Ephesians 2:10 in the Passion says, “we have become his poetry, a recreated people…” and I love this wording so much because it speaks a lot to the reshaping God does within us.

God created me, I didn’t create myself. His grace brought me to Christ, I didn’t have to try and search for it. Time after time I’ve fallen away from the belief I’m any form of workmanship. I’ve not recognized myself at times, but the grace of God is continually enough to recreate me.

rejoicing in failure.

This is Paul’s story, the original person who had all of these revelations about God. I love that he relates so closely to us as we navigate the messy, human life. He shares in II Corinthians 12 about his weaknesses and personal struggles.

“Three times I pleaded with the Lord about this, that it [being his personal struggle] should leave me. But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me…for when I am weak, then I am strong.” (8-10)

I used to recite this verse all the time but I think, over time, my disbelief in it grew. I had grown in disbelief that God was good, that he was for me, or that he was even still working.

This year has been hard, but when I really think of my relationship with God, it hasn’t been distant or bad, it’s been steady. He had been there the whole time, and I’d been faithful to my relationship with him, it just looked different.

It confused me because I was convinced I must have been far from God if I was failing so much.

But that’s what Paul was talking about.

I mean, failures aren’t technically something to be proud of in our world. But with kingdom vision, I can rejoice in them because it gives my father a chance to work on me, through me, around me. So, that’s why I can celebrate when I totally mess things up, because when I’m weak I experience more deeply the power of Christ who lives in me, the power of restoration and consistent renewal.

we don’t have to strive.

Paul says in Philippians 3:7-8, “All of the accomplishments I once took credit for, I’ve now forsaken them and I regard it all as nothing compared to the delight of experiencing Jesus Christ as my Lord! To truly know him meant letting go of everything from my past…so I may be enriched in the reality of knowing Jesus Christ and embrace him as Lord in all of his greatness.”

He’s basically saying that we can’t have both striving and Jesus. They don’t fit together, not even a little. To truly know him, I have to make everything about him and nothing about me. This is an amazing thing, to be able to lift the pressure off just like that.

He continues, saying “My passion is to be consumed with him and not clinging to my own ‘righteousness’…and I continually long to know the wonders of Jesus more fully and to experience the overflowing power of his resurrection working in me.” (9-10)

Wow, it’s just crazy to me how easily lies can come in telling us that we haven’t done enough, that we need to get better, that we haven’t made God proud.

This is ultimately where the fear of failure finds its stem.

Self-righteousness and pride–ouch. The most shame I’ve felt was during a time when I also felt like I had lost my pride. How twisted is that?

THANK GOD that I lost my pride.

I now realize that I have nothing to be proud of except for the fact that Jesus Christ lives in me. And I have to be okay with that. My faults, my failures, are then counted as joy because it ties me to someone who has the power to save me. My favorite part of this message from Paul is in 12-13: “I admit that I haven’t yet acquired the fullness that I’m pursuing, but I run with passion into his abundance so that I may reach the purpose that Jesus Christ has called me to fulfill and wants me to discover. I don’t depend on my own strength to accomplish this; however, I do have one compelling focus: I forget all of the past as I fasten my heart to the future instead.”

permission granted.

Here is your permission to forget the past. To officially and finally move on. Forgive yourself and walk forward in freedom. Colossians 3:1, “Christ’s resurrection is your resurrection too.” No darkness has any power when we run straight into the light.

The power of Jesus finds its full expression in our weakness– not that he wants us to be weak, but it’s in our realizing our need for a Savior that we become strong. If there was a formula for true abundance and true power, it would be having absolutely none.

I love the wisdom and truth in this book. Wow. One more to finish up:

seeing God for who He is.

II Corinthians 3:16, “The moment one turns to the Lord with an open heart, the veil is lifted and they see.” Through the Holy Spirit, we can face the father with complete freedom and openness, and “we all become like mirrors who brightly reflect the glory of the Lord Jesus. We are all being transfigured into his very image as we move from one brighter level of glory to another” (18).

The message translation says that they suddenly realize that God is an actual person and not just a piece of stone, which would only be found in the laws. We have to remember this too.

I’m going to keep failing, it’s inevitable and okay. But when I let myself truly see God for who he is, a loving father who is only concerned with whether I pick up my head at all, no matter how much time has gone by. He’s proud of me for existing, for looking to him even if it was a last resort. He gives me room to grow in my faith, so that next time maybe I’ll look to him sooner. This is the character of God.

So I throw away my pride and pick up the mirror to reflect an image of a confident Lord, who would forget his failures (if he had any) and remember who he is. Who knows my inheritance doesn’t belong in what I do but whose I am.

Thanks for coming to my Bible Study! This was itching to get published so I had to share it, sorry I don’t make the rules. If you enjoyed this or got anything from it I’d love to know! You can message me on instagram, comment, or there’s a box in my Contact Me page to leave an anonymous note as well.

Alex